An unconventional death

Most people don't get to choose the way they exit the world. I myself was one such person.

It is said that the ancient Egyptians lived to die so they could live in death. How sucking ones brains out through the nose fit into that equation is beyond me. I myself like my brain inside my skull and all my squishy bits tucked exactly where they are supposed to be.

When I was alive I had a job few people liked and even fewer cared to admit to even having. I was a janitor at Emerson Labs, a company on the cutting edge of science. My job was to clean up after Dr. Milo Hawthorne, world renouned Parapsychologist which is a Ghost Hunter to the layperson.

Dr. Hawthorne's tour-de-force was a device he called "The Ecto-Amplification Matrix". But maybe device is the wrong word maybe I should call it "Big-assed, roomsized ghost machine" for that's what it was a Big-assed, roomsized ghost machine.

You see Dr. hawthorne was crazy, well maybe crazy is to strong a word for him. He was Eccentric...very, very eccentric. And in his eccentricity he decided to build a machine that would energise a spirit to a certain extent that would cause them to manifest physically. You see spirits are like big energy holes they take energy in all forms and use it to do things (it took me a while to figure that out, but more on that later). Camera batteries, watch batteries even heat or cold right out of the air is fuel for the ghost 6 cylinder.

The Big-assed, roomsized ghost machine cycled through differing forms of energy (ultra violet, infra red, and even nuclear) looking for that right mixture of stuff that would once and for all prove that ghosts exist.

I was just a lowly janitor and seeing that the Big-assed, roomsized ghost machine was way, way above my paygrade I walked inside to clean the seemingly innocent looking office. I still remember the last thing that went through my still human mind "I think i'll have pizza for dinner...hey what's that light?"

"hey what's that light" indeed. upon entering the B.A.R.G.M as it shall hensforth be named I started the auto-start sequence and fried my body like a deepfried Twinkie at the local carnival. 

But that's when things got strange...or stranger...no things like this require an entirely new word...strangetastic. I found myself floating in the B.A.R.G.M looking down at the black ashes that was once my body and thought, "well I guess pizza's out!".

Unlike other ghosts I still had my human mind and not base instinct to go on. And let me tell you the world is lousy with ghosts, lousy with em. You ever walk down the street and for no apparent reason sneeze, that's a ghost, you ever get a chill in July that's a ghost you ever her footsteps while you're alone, you guessed it ghosts. 

And let me tell you aomething else about ghosts, they are dull and boring! It's all "How did you die?" with them.

For quite a long time I wandered the world moping about all the stuff I never got to do. Until one day I was floating around Hollywood and came upon the set of, get this "Ghost Whisperer".  And I know what you're thinking "Ha ha very funny!" but seriously I was. Now call me a dirt, filty piece of slime but I decided to use my newfound ghost(ness) to my advantage and "take a peak at the promised land as it were". So as I sat there watching Jennifer Love Hewitt get dressed in her trailer, and let me just say she doesn't wear Fruit of the loom underpants at all! I managed to push a cup off a small table and watched in glory as she bent over, nude as a baby and picked it up.

It didn't take long to figure out that I could do things, i could exert an effect on the natural world but more than that I could become solid, because unlike those who died natural deaths I still had human DNA mixed with my ectoplasm. So from that day on I became the Ectoplasmic Emissary, the ghostly go-between.